Whose life is it anyway? - ParT II - It wasnt me...

TdaYs SonG: Sound of Muzak - Porcupine Tree

It was just like any normal evening... maybe too normal, because what followed didnt give me time to think, like, at all.

It was Shab - e -baraat. Its this religious occasion(I have no definite idea on this one... sorry) and I was in the mosque. We have no mosques in campus, so I was about a kilometre down the NH-67, in a place called Thuvakudi(Do not bother trying to understand... just think... some place near college.). So after about an hour of being holy(I can hear the smirks... will you stop :p), I stepped out of the mosque. I was feeling very compassionate somehow, that day, so I went to the STD booth(I know what that sounds like, but bear in mind, I was in the mosque a few minutes prior...), called up grandma, paid my respects, called up aunty ji here, and uncle ji here, and did the whole, nice boy thing for a while, and then bought myself a pack of smokes, and de Dew, and was chugging away... like I said, it was just like any normal evening...

I didnt notice the White Maruti as it parked right in front of the adjoining Kirana store. I also didnt notice who was driving. Maybe I should have. I should have, damn my self centred self, for not being aware enough to notice my Industrial Instrumentation Prof, with family, nonchalantly getting off to do his daily groceries.

I was more than cursing myself, for chosing this locality to pray at(How was I supposed to know that he's gonna have to shop today, now, and park his car right in front of my face), for smoking a cigarrette right on the street where Dr. Sahab comes to buy ginger-garlic paste, but you know what... I didnt even have time to think all these things at that time...

He was walking into the shop when he spotted me, and I had the half smoked cigarette in my left hand, which also clutched the green Dew bottle. He looked at my face, and kept walking into the shop... did he notice me? Didnt he? He should have; a person would have been blind not to...

As if on reflex, the cigarette dropped from my left hand. I walked into the store trying to act normal, still clutching the bottle. I bought myself chewing gum, paid the person... somehow trying to validate my presense in the area. I didnt want to look too guilty, by going up to him and telling him that I was in the mosque all this while. All the while, he seemed oblivious of my presence. It started, and ended in a flash; I finished up with my soft drink, and left to college, hoping, praying even that it was all ok, that he had not seen the cigarette in my hand... that somehow, the green soft drink bottle had done its job... distraction. Later I realised, it had done just that. And I, my friends, was in deep trouble. Very deep.

I dont own an alarm clock. My theory is, any alarm that can be switched off is useless. Anyway, I woke up at 9.15... just in time for the second lecture. I pulled on whatever clothing that I had scattered and ran to department. I saw the first lecturer making his way out of class, and confident that I was early enough on my next class I walked in...

I saw Dr. Sahab(If you're wondering why Im calling him that, please take note... this thing is on the internet... no names...) standing right in front of my class. I had no problem with that. His eyes met mine. With a very stubborn lump in my throat I realised... it wasnt his class right now. I didnt have to wait long to find out who he was waiting for.

'You... yes... you'
(Ok man... you got me.)

'Why didnt you attend the first class...?'
(Ok... so thats all it was... wait... it couldnt be)

'Sir... Im not keeping well these days, *cough* *cough* (and another persisent...) *cough*'
(God, please be kind, I prayed to you only yesterday... please please... please)

'Follow me...'
(Do I even have a choice dude?)

He lead me to his office and took his throne. I was definitely in for something not so pleasant today. I didnt know why; I had a gut feeling(After all of the nonsense I've been through, you'd think I had realised, but no... its like my dad says..."Hum nahin sudhrenge"(We shall not improve...:))

'Do you smoke...?'

(is that a question?)

'Sir...'

(Should I... shouldnt I)

'Answer me...'

(improve your grammar)

'Sir, occasionally sir... but that too not within campus sir, I swear sir, you can ask anyone sir... sir? No sir...'

I was in total panic; I was reacting to every contortion of his face... somehow trying to placate him with whatever I could manage...

'How often do you drink?'

(What the....?)

'Absolutely not sir... I dont... never'

(What is he talking about...?)

'Come with me'

(Where... We actually have breathalyser apparatus?)

If this wasnt bad enough, I was lead straight into my old arch enemy, the H.O.D's office, who by now, was very much hatching a plot to take over the world... my world.

'Come in'

(Run away...)

'No... you stay out for a while, when we need you, we shall call you inside'

(Ok... FOUL: The both of us should get equal brainwashing opportunity)

The next ten minutes were spent in just trying to fathom... why booze, and why all of a sudden. And then... it struck me... it was very very clear. The green bottle was in my hand, partially masking the cigarette. He may not have seen the cigarette, but he definetely saw the bottle. That, compounded with the location that I was in.

Before we venture further, let me try and describe a schematic of the area where this incident occured. There are shops on one side of the Highway, which mainly consist of a kirana store, followed by a cigarette shop, a shop selling chicken, FOLLOWED BY 2 WINE SHOPS, and then a couple of buildings later, the STD and the mosque. 2 fucking wine shops, right where my HOD wanted them to be, right where the worst mix of circumstances could have decided to happen to me, on one fine normal evening.

'Come in'

(This better be good... be prepared to cry... be prepared to cry)

'Good morning....sir'

(I havent done anything wrong... not yesterday... strictly weekends only)

'Are you going to explain yourself' - Dr. Sahab

(Ohh man... this is not going to work... I cant tell him exactly what happened... Its just to perfect for them... deny... deny and cry... TeArs: ON)

'Sir, no sir... I dont have alchohol sir, I'm a muslim, its not allowed to us'

(They didnt look too satisfied...My professor, who evidently does not drink soft drinks in life, actually went to the extent of thinking that a Mountain dew bottle.... but I couldnt laugh just yet... status: bamboo up ass.... TeArs: ON)

'I saw you near a wine shop the other day' - My H.O.D.

(What... How the... you arent even part of the story dude...Goddamnnit... TeArs: ON... Work, work bastard )

At this point... I was too frustrated with the whole idea. They are framing me... right in front of my eyes, the whole conspiracy is being set up; I was not liking this. Not one bit. But I had absolutely no idea how I was to get out of this situation. One last shot... if this fucks up, it just does... for real: TeArs:ON

'Sir, I do not consume alchohol, for the last time, its not allowed in my religion, and as for why I was there, I was there because we had to pray for such and such a religious occasion. Yes, I am in the habit of smoking occasionally, that I admitt to; It is not a nice habit to have, and I am trying to curb it. If you still think I am lying sir, I have no other way to convince you. I do not booze'

(Yes.... Yesss I had nailed it... speeches always work... almost)

My H.O.D. spoke first - 'Fine... write an apology letter...'

I was numb with relief... I didnt even hear the rest... I already knew what he had to say. What I didnt realise that, in order to clear my name off this whole nonsensical allegation, I had proven my faculty member wrong. Bad... bad move. Like I said... everything compounded, it would never be the same again.

Dr. Sahab very quietly said 'Be warned though, we shall be watching you.'

(Not we... No we... you... you will be watching me... I know... )

'I assure you sir, I shall not fall into any sort of trouble'

(But I had a sneaky feeling... it was only a matter of time)

For once... I didnt do anything that day... but still wound up in shit. How bad can my luck get...?

But someone once famously said... What gets bad... can definetely get worse.... its only, a matter of time.

cheers,

Ajwad

Whose life is it anyway? - Part I - Phist of Gawd

I woke up early today. I dont know why. Maybe because my nostrils werent capable of taking air in. Maybe because slowly, the music going on in the background was shaking of sleep in my gradually. Maybe because finally, I was bored of sleeping that night. I dont know. All i could see was 06.17 hrs on the clock. And this was a week into my vacations.




It was one long, hateful, tiring, loathsome semester. But everyone knew that. I was legend in campus. They called me the living proof of Murphy's law( NO fUckIng CommENts...). The whole story is too long for one cohesive entry... so well... its going to take a while, and a lot of patience(Yes... mine...:p).




Part I: Fist of God.




It was my Transducers introductory course (if I dont know... you cant expect to know... get it?), and I was smiling on the way to class. This guy, my lecturer, was nicknamed 'Sandman' with all of us; he had this legendary ability to give us the good stuff. It didnt matter how awake you felt. He just had this nack of well... putting you to sleep. And I had the perfect solution. For the past few days I was carrying some paperback to class and reading away. The lecturer goes on and on. I dont have to pay attention; I dont sleep or get thrown out, and I'm quiet enough to pass off as one of those highly disciplined types(fine... at least the low profile types...(Ok... give me a break...!)). Lookinfg back at all that, all I can think of is 'Little did I know...'




So I reach class, take my usual place in the left row, right next to the window, from where I could see any and every staff member who entered the department building. What I didnt calculate was them seeing me...(Yes... thats my little did I know moment...).




So there I am... halfway through a very interesting read (I think it was a Forsyth...), and suddenly, through the corner of my eye from the left... I see something.
Its my HOD, minding his own business and entering the building... Our eyes meet...




As his gaze drifts downwards, with a practiced hand I push the novel into my bag, clutched my thumping heart and prayed for the life of me, that he didnt notice. He just walked right into the building. I was safe... I smiled.




Two minutes by the clock. The door to my lecture hall flew open, with Guess who smiling at the whole class. No one knew what was happening. No one... except me. I saw him see me. And that wasnt good because he knew I knew he knew. He walked a few paces, till he was level with me and put forth his right hand in front of me. Like I was supposed to know what to do. I did, but I tried to play the fool...




Wrong move. I was pulled by my ears to his office(Excuse me... this is college... wtf... Ear pulling?).




'Who are you?'

(Was this guy playing it cool?)


'Sir... nx6125... sir'

(What...? im not going with my roll number in print... Sod off...)


'And what exactly do you think you're doing with a novel in the classroom?'

(Smart question... who had the answer to that one... lets see... Sir I was reading...)


'No Sir... sir'

(trust me, this, I'm too scared to answer thing works... its my secret weapon; that, and begging.)


'What?, you think you're very smart?'

(Actually yes, considering you couldnt catch me with the Debonair I brought to class yesterday...:))


'...'

(Silence... scared silence... I did not know wht to do... it was turning serious)


'Unless you call your parents, I will not allow you to write your exams...'

(I had him... I allowed myself a smile. It was in my head... but I knew I had him.)


'Sir... they live in Dubai, so you'll have to dial international....'

(I made the innocent face...)


And, just like that, his hand moved away from his Cellphone wallet. Dubai was expensive to call to. And he knew. I took my chance. I got off easy. An apology letter. A promise to not do it ever again.




What followed convinced me of one thing: I was a marked man(Yes... but you dont understand, its not just college... it doesnt work that way where I study.). I understood. I prepared myself for the inevitable: It was never going to be the same again....




Yes... Ok... I still carry books to class. No ones supposed to know allright...?


cheers


Ajwad

rOLlInG to DeCEMbEr - The SeM GoNE bY:

What have I been doing since September...?

You don't want to know. Its been a horrendous start to my penultimate year in College. 5th Semester was a drag... all I could think of it was... actually nothing. I didn't have time. The last 3 months were filled with running somewhere or the other to do some or the other godforsaken assignment... but thats not all. There are other things that lead to this unfortunate state of mine(Yes... its happening ... but on another post...) For now... I'm back. Watch this space...
Oh well.. mah next post...:
PrOxY aTtEnDanCe

lol....

Ajwad

HmM.... HaDDta uPLoad Em SomEdaY... n VoiLa

Well... this is a series of pics that I never thought would come out... Summer of '06... Vacations ... the first one is at home... its when I just woke up... do I even need to talk about the second... the second is from the same time period... but well.. Im in a saree shop... it was supposed to be an experimental one, where I blur out the sarees(to get a mindblowing effect btw)... but yea well... got bored... took a snap... n voila...:)

CauTion: Wet Paint...!

OK, I'm a little frustrated now. There was a shceduled outage on blogger as soon as I wrote this , and I have ever since been in love with the refresh button on my Web browser. Refresh... refresh... oh wait... refresh, and finally after a lot of begging and pleading to the machine, it finally worked. The past week has not been good to me. I have been running from one end of the campus to the other, registered for the IMS CAT course, studied for it, done a lot of assignments, and well, lived the life of a classical nerd, for the past 7 days. And trust me: These guys do not need a work out. They use their heads too much. I am wondering, if that is why my appetite is on its familiar-but-not-so-pleasant zenith. I am getting fat now.

Not healthy... just fat.

For the first time in my life here at NIT, I have stayed up till three doing an assignment (Sounds like no big deal huh...?), in the first month of the semester(And now?). My take on it: Its good, coz when I sit in my Electron Circuits class now, I can actually understand how the ciruit works... OK... not exactly, but somehow. Its like, you know when you've heard a language that you dont speak for a long enough time, you can pick up what the other person is saying, without actually knowing words. Meaning, you can understand, but not really say anything. I am feeling pretty proud now. Wait...(For those of you, who are out to burst my bubble, please click on the upper right icon on our window[HINT: It looks like an X].).



Other reasons why I've been that busy are: We just shifted from the temporary hostel, to this other way cooler one. Problem: We were on the first floor of the temporary hostel- and had to shift to the second floor of the other hostel... and these buildings, were almost a kilometre in distance away from each other. I was particularly weary of such excersise... so well, I just dialed my phone, and called my brother(I am not a sadist... but I do happen to have juniors who will work for me). So voila, while I was lighting cigarettes, there were these guys, picking my stuff and shifting it, bit by bit(Righteous people: try lifting a huge trunk, which well, is too big to be held by one dude... oh wait... did I mention: It isnt empty!).

Theres amazing ventilation in the new hostel. The 4th wall, is almost entirely window(They're big man...), and it gets pretty chilly early in the morning, which obviously means I will only bother a little lesser to be seen in class in the morning, and god knows I need to. I think I still have the IHS hangover, where I want classes to start at 1.00 in the afternoon, and probably end at 6.30 in the evening. Can you imagine the kind of life I've been living so far, what with having to wake up at a solid 10.30 in the morning, after getting a decent 6 hours of sleep? And suddenly, I have to get hit by a truck, and land up here. What went wrong with me, I thought, when I decided that this college, will determine the future for me. The biggest pain in the ass, is the attendance bit. Now the thing is, when I dont attend, Im supposed to redo the course from scratch, the next time its offered, which amounts to me doing a 5th sem course, in my 7th sem, when I'm actually supposed to be getting placed and doing weed till my eyes pop out. Apart from which I shall be dropping a course from my 7th semester, which means, I shall be wasting my time, just figuring out what my subjects are before doing anything substantial.

And, financially, the news is, I'm broke. I have not one penny in my pocket right now(which is a good thing, because the cigarettes are cutting themselves down.). Its not like I dont have money in the bank. I have money in the bank, but my cards fucked, and I dont want to use my passbook, since this stupid rule that will cause me to lose a lotta money if I update my passbook. So well. I'm playing it safe and being broke. I gotta go now, get my photographs... God BlEsS

Aj

P.S. Got a haircut... post pics shortly.... Aj

ThiS ShiT Is siCk...

Yeah I know, I shoulnt have had a cold water bath at 11:30 in the night. And yeah I know that I should have had something for my cough. But guess what: No one counts on all the diseases in the world - NOT all in one night. You gotta be psycho to be able to think that way. I think they've named a disease after that condition. Thats when you know your'e really psycho- they have a 'name' for what you have. Freaky.

No, really, I lead a pretty disgusting lifestyle, if I may say so myself, but I definitely didnt count on my health giving away almost completely, just one fine morning. So I wake up, and Im really cold, like its the middle of december. I had a hunch this would happen. On an ordinary day, I'd be really happy, with the prospect of not going to college the entire day. But this day was different. You see, my attendance is already terribly low, and trust me this wouldnt really look good(my reputation wasn't exactly what you called 'nice').
Suddenly I'm looking around for a pill(Usually dont pop them... just wanted to get to class(yes... this happens sometimes)) and a minute later... lose hope(See... the lazy me is back). So I just lie back and go to sleep, but this time wearing three t-shirts, my blanket AND the bedsheet over me, and still feeling cold. This couldnt be good.

[This is when I really didnt know what was going on... I was sleeping... well not really, I slept only half the time, so this is a partial recollection of what happened when I was awake...]

I can see half the fan spinning, I'm too tired to look at the whole thing. I'm still really cold, and now my feet hurt. My head hurt and breathing made my nose burn. Now my eyes are fixed at a corner on my wall, where a spider is taking an awful lot of time to decide where it wants to go...

Its not day anymore. I open my eyes, look at the corner. The spiders not there anymore, but the corner reminds me that I'm supposed to be sick. Its still cold, which means I'm burning up. I resign and fall asleep.

Its late. I message my brother. I need two things. Food, and Medicine. Pronto. Having spent what little energy I had, I doze off again.

I wake up, at the hazy silhouette of my brother at the door. He was smoking a cigarette. How I wish, I thought. My food and medicines ( Did not want to go heavy... Hello! How was I to know that in a very little time... the shit was gonna get CraZy.). I called out to him, but had no voice. I strained enough to call him, and started coughing. Just like that, I tell you. Trust me. Just like that I was coughing, lightly at first, but in a few moments... pretty heavily... like my lungs had declared war on my body. Too late for a cough syrup now. Fortunately it was a friday, so there were a few days that I could play around with.

I have a painful sleep. If theres one thing that you do not want to have along with fever, a splitting headache and a very bad cough, is a bad, bad pain... in your entire body. The pain is just enough to keep you semi awake, so soon you get bored with trying to sleep, and are forced to notice, what goes on in Ajwad's room through the night, among other things:

Its dark. The fan makes wierd noises every 4 seconds. Yes... exactly 4 seconds before it cries out. Its like a word... if you listen to it closely. Always the exact sound. I feel bad for the fan... saying the same word every 4 seconds of its existence. Makes Polly's life seem worthwile. Hell, at least it gets crackers sometimes.

Its too dark to see the spider, so well, I kinda missed out on its adventures. My jeans are hung behind the door... and theyr'e almost about to fall off, but not quite. Even if the fan was on a faster setting, I coulda sworn the damn thing would have fallen. But it didnt... it just stayed there. I was really really bored, and my idea of adventure was to predict if the pair of jeans would actually fall(Sometimes I wonder, if this is the way they come up with movies these days).
The sky wasnt changing colors yet. I flipped open my cell phone(Yes... I have a clamshell cell phone... I know its no biggie... but who cares... I somehow think its super cool), to check the time. I opened up the gallery, and looked at pictures that I took. Not really me, no, Im not that big on cameras on phones, but those that my little sis took these vacations... hmm... Me sleeping... interesting... Me sleeping1, me sleeping2, my brother sleeping... A dozen other pictures of all my family members sleeping... (Only mug shots... so well...:p), I saw a few pictures my sis took of herself. I smiled. Apart from this there were a few pictures of my ear... (yes... Ive tried stunts too), and other very wierd pictures of my fingers... and some really random pictures of... I dont know what... They were taken too wierdly for reason. Somehow, looking at pictures made me miss home. Then it struck me more, when I took a breath n my nose burnt... again. I closed my eyes again, this time I was determined to sleep. I have no vivid recollections of what happened that night...

Its been 3 days now... I feel much better. I feel strangely happy,like I just got over some depression... When you get over an ailment, its got a confusing effect on you. I feel like superman. I feel like I can hold everything thats kicking my ass right now, and ... well... kick it right back. I think everyone deserves to feel that way. Afterall... hope is what makes the world go round. Gotta rush. Cant miss class.


God bless,
Aj

MasTer of BusIness adMiniStratiON... (Heyy... Im SpoSd to TiNk bIG Here)

Its been some time since I last wrote... its just I'm still stuck with dial up at home, and really, its not a charm working on it for ages to get one post... well, posted. So here I am... back in the familiar I-lab, working my stuff. So, now I'm a prefinal year student. That means... well nothing except, this year I gotta slog a lot. I got the pre placement tests , internships, a training to complete. This year also happens to be the last year I can do anything to build my resume. Everything in a span of 2 semesters, one of which is gonna be filled with writing tests everyday, wether you've prepared or not. Trust me... it dont matter if you prepare. The CPC's (As theyre called here) are not really easy, but the whole point of having to write them is well, nothing more than a formality. My college, everyone gets placed. Wether you know stuff or not. So well... keeping a job, after getting it may be the biggest problem... yet. My reasoning: If lady luck is good enough( Am I actually using the word good?) to get me here and get me through the first 2 years of my hellish life here, with well, not so much of a scratch... then its probably good enough to get me a job, and help it stick.

Honest to god, I dont see myself working 2 years from now. I want to do an MBA(This statement is largely trivial: please refer to my post Got PurPoSe?, for further details.). Actually I want to do more than an MBA; I want to do an MBA, at THE business school, as far as India is concerned. Da Indian Institute of Management baby, every engineers calling: (Actually, its just for people who want to make a truck load of money in no time... my hands raised :p). But realistically speaking... its hard even getting there. Statistically, it is the toughest colleges to get into, in... hold your breath... the world. Yes, its true ladies and gentlemen, I am attempting to do something, even I thought I wouldnt do: Work. So Ill help this mindless piece of writing lay itself to rest... Cya Laterz

Aj

GoT PuRPosE... ?!?!?!??

tDaYs SonG: Th3 doOrs - aMeRIcAn PrAYer.
Time: 2:00 AM.

The fan is making wierd noises. The TV is showing the rerun of a lame 'K' soap: thankfully at a low volume. The lights are down low. Im going through 'Midnights Children' by Salman Rushdie. Its phenomenal. I start reading the first line of a page, and as if on cue, my back starts scratching with a vengeance. So much, that I almost throw the book down and position my body wierdly, in order to reach the irritated area of the epidermis. As the itch dies, I pick up the book. I start thinking: Stuff generally interpreted as soul searching, and the process of self discovery. *BliNk*....*BliNk*...and a million blinks later, I decide... I need a plan.

Now since I am a student of a pretty reknowned college of engineering, I have one simple laid out plan, and other many not so simple ones. and still others that I've chosen not to consider due to a mismatch of well, raw materials, if you like, that I have to work with: for example, I have chosen not to become a Rap artist, since I do not have access to a dozen girls in various stages of undress, willing to dance around me, while I err.. sing. Another technicality, is the fact that I cannot afford the Bling-bling Diamond necklaces, diamond studs... rings on all fingers, diamond braces...(Yea... my reaction exactly... WTF?) and diamond studded cellphones... and the obvious fact that I'm not black. Sometimes I wonder... These guys have the girls, the money, the cars, the tattoos, and the guns... Why in hells name do they sing? Not for the money they dont...

To solve this problem, that is taking quite a while, by anyone's standards - I mean, who takes more than five minutes, to make the biggest decision of their lives... ridiculous.

I sought help from a - err... an acquaintance. I related to him my problem...


'Dude... I need to know... I need to know my purpose in life...'

'Ive just the thing you need!!!...'
(Funny, how everyone has the answer to that one. The world sells Nirvana in bits and pieces.)

'When I was your age...'
(At 20, he's about 8 months older...huh!?! my age was like a decade ago innit?)

'Someone told me to read this book.... this book called the Alchemist...'
(I'm doing engineering bro...)

'Its by this guy called Paulo Cohelo... it changed my life...'
(Yeah... when I first read Playboy... it changed my life too...)

So well... I took the book... reached home... and almost immediately started reading. As I read, I realised, The Alchemist is really, not about the alchemist. Fleetingly I thought of this Jeffry Archer novel, 'As the crow flies'... and pondered over possible mentions of the crow?. None that I could think of. Strange. So now, the Alchemist speaks of a certain treasure... and obviously too of a person who wishes to seek it, encountering the what nots of the journey, and the truths of life, in a rather strange fashion, to finally realise, the treasure was where he lived all his life. My take: After much hardship and torture, and a few hundred pages of reading, everything is back where it began. A classic example of inconsequential writing.

Words that my friend were ringing in my head. Listen to the book he said. After much deliberation, I realised- The solution of my problem is within myself- my mind to be exact. Darn, I thought... If I could read minds, I'd have better business than to read books, much less this one. Anyway, the first step... I know where it is... I just dont know how to get there. Evolution of a person, it says, is the key... Paulo Cohelo, it seems, has the uncanny ability to sound like a certain charachter named NEO from the MATRIX TRILOGY, though I do agree, that at times, he does also sound like another charachter from the err... much loved movie series, namely Morpheus.

'What... is the meaning of this?'

'It is but what you choose to interpret... The question is: What is interpretation?'

'What...?'

'I exist in this film, solely for the purpose of confusing the audience into reading more into the
dialogues, hence slyly dragging an overtly loose story along. Ahem. So which pill was it'

'Huh?'

"Ah... The red pill eh?. You are the one. You choose your destiny... and ours. Theyre all interconnected..."

"uh huh..."

Conspiracy Theory #1: I think the movie was a twisted version of The Alchemist... Hey... the lines are copied.

So... I half decided and then decided not to become a rapper, and read a book, that was in itself inconsequential, and was still where I started. The question now troubled me. What was my purpose in life? In order to get things into focus, I visit another acquaintance of mine(notice, I'm not mentioning names... DO NOT want to get sued.). They say, there are many ways to get to the truth. Its true ( I think); I am begining to find out.

'You need to meditate.'
(And find what... Inner peace??)

'You need to find Inner peace.'
(GoTchA!)

'All doubts that you carry are manifestations of your restless spirit.'
(What is she talking about?)

'Do you even understand what I'm talking about?'
(No...)

'So all you have to do... is close your eyes... and think of what you want to do most of all in life.'
(Boy... that would be some R rated movie..;))

So well... I took her advice... had a bath(No... not that advice)... wore my whitest white pajamas, locked my room (Yeah right I'd let anyone catch me like this), closed my eyes and began to meditate. At first, I could see nothing. Then I could see something black. Then infinite blackness. Then I entered nothingness. I felt like I was blind. ( Yeah OK... I realise now my eyes were closed.). Then I remembered I was supposed to think.

After 5 minutes: Nothing.

After 10 minutes: Its too hot, I need to switch on the Airconditioner.

After 15 minutes: I need to pee.

This was getting nowhere. Ok, so I wasnt an avid believer of searching for enlightenment, in black nothingness. It was too ironic for me to believe. I was getting nowhere, and this was frustrating me. I needed to know what my purpose was. Thus, I had no other choice. I went to the single source of everything, and anything in life. Millions sought it everyday, for any kind of enlightenment. The InTernEt...(I'm living in 2006, theres got to be a yourpurposeinlife.com!). So I google in My purpose in life.

'The words my and in are too common and were excluded from the search'
(Ok... I do not want some one elses purpose)

'Did you mean my purpose in live?'
(Life... Life... Arghhh)

So, theres a site on '201 ideas for desert using beef and bacon', and '501 different ways to make a paper plane' but there is not one page, on my purpose in life. GrEaT...

Finally, like many others, who have tried to interpret their lives, and failed, I too lay in wait of my moment. I was tired, and had no will to go on. If the answer existed, it would come to me on its own accord. Maybe understanding it would mean my purpose, fulfilled. The process of understanding it, my calling, as is everyone elses. Its already begun. I think...

BrIdGe OfF Da riVEr...

tDayS sOng: AC-DC: BuRnIn AliVe

Mood: Angry.

Im feeling fucked up right now. I had a fight with dad, bro, bro, mom, and anyone who means anything to me. Why? Questions. Answers. Counter questions. Arguments. Leadless, endless, arguments without result. Calculating fault is not one of my strong points; whenever I sit down to do such a thing, I can come up with no begining, no end, no point, no right and no wrong with names to check across it. I dont know what my point was... aw heck... even thinking about it is useless excersise.

I'm half contemplating punching the walls in frustration. This is really not the reason I came back to Dubai. Its not a failed endeavour, the attempt at feeling empty on reaching here, sometimes called fulfillment. But somehow, theres always a black lining in the silver cloud of hope that hangs pretty ominously[tRanSitIon: uP-dOwNwArDs]. The proverbial lull before the storm. Moods are temporary; bad ones follow good ones, and the cycle continues.

So today, I fought. I fought hard. I havent slept all night... and I have little recollection of what I'm writing, even right now. Im drowsy now: theres random music playing on the player. I cant understand the words, and theres a struggle to comprehend the beat somewhere in my mind, I dont know where...my eyelids are heavy.

Stat3m3nT: Good NiTe... ToO SlEePy tO gO oN.

Nic3 TrY miSter....

Tdays song: Th3 DooRs: RoAdhouSe BluEs.

I've been reading. Theres this book, called Holy Cow!. Some Sarah Mcdonald woman wrote it. My first time with such writing. It starts slow. It reads slow. It ends slow. Its one of the best books I've ever read. Its so readable, you hate to put it down. Even in the loo. It talks about well... nothing really; its got a nice feel to it... Mcdonald makes a good job of placing you inside her head. She travels through India, and well... thinks. India in a nutshell, as viewed by a thinking person: I'm suggesting an alternate title. NICE!


Its been some time since I came to Dubai. Its hot. I dont get out much. I've been spending a lot of time with my brother. Its different now. We hog the nicotine together. Dads bearing it. He doesnt bother with the whole 'you-must-stop-or-else' bit. The way he's giving us space, is, well, strange, but amazing all the same. Dubai... has changed. The last time I was here for this long, I was right out of high school, brash, cocky (As much as you'd like to convince me otherwise - I've changed.), and horny as hell. Now, I look at brash, cocky, and hyper horny kids, on the streets of Dubai, and go "What is the world coming to??" Maybe I'm old already. Maybe, I think different now. I dont know... I think I can see a grey hair.

StAt3m3nT: Those who give all their life... get their ass kicked in the end... so dont.

ArOuND the OceAn in ... Ummm .... 24 hOUrs....

tDaYs SonG: DiRe StraiTs: BroThers iN ArMs

'Please present you left eye into the scanner', drawled the official at the airport in that typical half bored half dead manner, which really could also be interpreted as the accent that these guys have. It was more than 24 hours since I actually had a wink of sleep and as I completed formalities and let the escalator carry me down and outside the airport to my waiting parents... the blur of the last 24 hours came back to me...

Zero Minus 17 hours- around about 5 in the evening:

Climbing down the stairs... it was impossible to keep the grin off my face. I havent cheated on a test so much, since, err... forever. I'm clearing this one for sure. Or am I? My theory is fate kicks you in the balls when you least expect it. Its true. The results are a less than a worry as I run back, while takin in on the nicotine. I have to shift, take a shower, pack, leave, and get some rest in the bus... its a long journey. I reach hostel and my phone rings, as if on cue:

'Ajwad?'

'Dad?'

'Your ticket isnt confirmed on the PNR you gave me. The airlines say its done for the day after...' his voice trailed off.

'What the fuck... call me back in a while.'

My turn to get hysterical. I use this a lot. I scream my lungs out at the person on the other end of the phone, and most of the time... they cough up the goods. It works with customer service anyways. I call. I scream. Big relief. My PNR is different. A PNR, is supposed to be this tag, with details on where and when I'm supposed to be travelling, and other random details, such as my last name. Like I even need to know that. One problem solved. Im happy again. I see a book lying somewhere in the corner of the room. Murphy's Law. There is a problem to every solution: touche.

Zero Minus 14 hours- somewhere between 7 and 8:

Im still hogging the nicotine. I'm not counting the number of cigarettes I'm smoking: Mua going home baby... Im having a bath, and am on the phone simultaneously. Can't find the soap. It dont matter. Somehow, I scramble into the shit I'm wearing for the flight ( Im doing the whole sleeveless bit complete with the cargoes that are 3 sizes too big... ). So finally... as the clock finally makes its way to the eighth hour, Im off to the city.

Zero Minus 12 hours- Duh around 10:

Someone suddenly reminds me that I'm supposed to keep a copy of my visa. I run to the internet Cafe's that I'm sure will have a printer on them. My luck: Theres no electricity in the whole building. Its as if something/someone is stopping me from going. I shout out to anyone who cares to listen: "Fuck yourself... Im gOIn... Nuddin you Cn Do Bout it". I run to this shady place and it takes me another half an hour tryin to explain how my flight is in another uhh 2 hours ( Ok so I lied... big shit), and if his printer doesnt work... Ima kick his ass so hard, he'd suspect ass rape. Somehow, I get this done, have a quick dinner (Samosa Pau, works every time...) and rush into the bus. The Sarah Mcdonald keeps me entertained till the lights go off. Its like saying goodnight, but being rude about it. Bastards.


Zero minus 5 hours - Around 9:30 in the morning:

I wake up. Its 9.30. I was supposed to be at the airport three hours back. Im supressing a scream, and as soon as the bus stops, I have my fill of the good morning Navy Cut( Yeah I opened the pack I bought for dad). I talk to the guy, and somehow using a combination of sign language and broken hindi, with a good measure of desperate looking expressions, urge him to drive faster. We cross a milestone: Chennai - 36 kms.

Zero minus 2 hours - Around 11:30.... FUCKKKK:

I run into the airport, like theres a bomb scare, and I'm the last action hero. My eyes are wandering towards flight information. I freeze. My heart starts pounding. Here I am, freaked that I almost certainly missed my flight. I half drop my bag in disgust. IC967: Delayed by 2 hours. I'm so not relieved. Im jumping over my own ass to reach this place before noon, and the one thing called luck screws me over. Again. I check in... and wait. Bastards. Dont know who... Just: Bastards.


Zero plus 5 hours - Around 5:30... DxB time:

Im still in the flight, feeling like the next economy class syndrome victim. My legs are numb. So is my tongue, with the third lunch that they gave me. Let me explain how this flight works. The pilots are so jobless, they stop over at three cities, before finally landing in Sharjah. I, being the luckiest person on earth, choose to be on the first leg of the journey, enduring random people all the way to my homeland (Made in UAE babY....). These guys are so explicitly shameless. The sexy air hostessess are in the Business Class area. I get the fat aunties, who are part of the Indian Airlines staff since independence. No respect for raging hormones. Bastards.

Zero plus... fuck it:

'Please present you left eye into the scanner', drawled the official at the airport in that typical half bored half dead manner, which really could also be interpreted as the accent that these guys have. It was more than 24 hours since I actually had a wink of sleep and as I completed formalities and let the escalator carry me down and outside the airport to my waiting parents... the blur of the last 24 hours came back to me...

reFlecting In My MIrrOR...

I wrote this somewhere in November 2005... I thought I lost it... just found it yesterday:

The last of my roomies packed his bags, left for home with a perfunctionary goodbye, and a lazy best of luck, and the next minute I was alone, and the electricity was having a hard time deciding if it wanted to stay or not... and in between those give and take aways of electricity I lay in a corner in one room of the many undistinguishable in Diamond. The rain stayed; at least someone stuck out.So now I was sitting there, with half my stuff in a room filled with bags of god knows who filled with god knows what. I had to leave Diamond today and go some place, any place as long as it wasnt here; They had to 'FIX' the hostel. I was homeless, in the dark, and now thanks to the rain gods, wet....

I woke up with a start, it was late in the afternoon, the only thing common from yesterday: it was still raining. What day was it? I dont remember...

I woke up, checking my cell phone for missed calls, half hoping something interesting might turn up. I turn on a comp that one of my friends gave me for safe keeping; And started another episode of 'FRIENDS'. Joey wore the same shirt he did a week back... a week was it? It had been seven days now since they had left. Something wierd was going on and I vaguely realised: I was hungry. I devoured the half empty biscuit pack that I did'nt remember buying, and sighed. When I started blinking without assistance, I staggered to the washroom; twist the tap: no result. Why does this happen to me? I dont know... Oh wait...

There was no water in the hostel because there was a flood in the city - ironic.
Then, as if bad luck needs to improve upon itself, my cell phone lost network coverage. I checked the calendar to realise that the paper im waiting for was in 2 days. Gotta hit the books. Somehow I felt enthusiastic, and spent the rest of my day arranging my work desk.

In between long breaks and short spans of which I used to study, the exam came and went and I didnt know what was worse, the wait, or the paper itself. The wait, definetely, I decided, finally. I had a few days more to spend till college reopened, I could'nt go back home and my bank did'nt allow me to go on a trip. I was bored. I felt cheated in some odd way. That it wasn't fair that everyone gets to go home, talk to their mum, sit on their favourite couch, and have a hot shower, eat food at home and miss college... I cried out to the gods, and sat looking at the west face of a non-descript building. For hours.


I woke up to a racket, and pacing outside my room were more humans than I had seen in the past 2 weeks. It was over. And when people started pouring in, and voices tired by a long travel carried the enthusiasm of little children, it struck me again how much I miss home. By then I had come to peace with it. I had no other choice. Its not always fair, but thats life. I looked up into the sky, and saw the sun glaring into my eyes. Good Morning.

Aj

WeT to De sOul....

'Its so Fkin hot...'

I was cursing the weather of the Rock City... it was driving me nuts. Just when you think this is the hottest it can get, the sun god always plays a fast one on you. I just wanted to pass out with the heat, and before I blew up, I ran into the OCTA[When are these people changing the name of the damn building?!?!!]. At some point, time flew... and in the midst of a pretty interesting conversation with a certain someone, I left the place, and started walking towards Pearl...

it started raining....

I looked at my watch, disbelievingly... it was the middle of summer... it was supposed to be really hot, like, right now. Someone sure heard me swearing. I just stood there looking, as the huge drops of water slapped the face of the earth all around me... and a minute later... it was mindblowing. I like the rains.

'I've lived in a rain starved country all my life... so when it rains... I watch with my mouth open...'

The whole world was wet now... somehow, with mischief somewhere... I liked the feeling. I walked out. The scent of wet earth: breathtaking. As I walked... I could feel the last bit of heat from the earth, almost oozing through... subtly hinting at warmth... I had a stupid smile on my face... Today was awesome... the rain just made my day. Just one thing though....

'Ek aur romantic shaam barbaad...'

Ciao.

Aj

PS: I have no clue why... but I'm really happy right now...:)

PerRfeCt: ThE FinAL reButTal...

I woke up and realised I had a question remaining to be done on the paper. It was easy to see, since I had made ugly gashes over the questions that I had already attempted... the RA stared at me... but was too psyched to say anything. The paper was irritating, but at least it was doable, unlike some other subjects of mine that were a huge pain in the WrONg place. I rubbed my eyes open and finished it off... with all the satisfaction of a man, who is free. I leave the hall an hour early and suddenly, the world is heaven... the heat didnt matter anymore... finally.... I inch towards my bed, and suddenly, I get a text message:

"The measurement papers
have been evaluated. Please
go to Vasuki Madam and
verify your grades. - Nalin"

Suddenly and without warning, I felt the strongest urge to kill myself. NO... it was'nt just about not being able to sleep... it was my grade... I put on 'my' shirt, and left hostel, with only one thing in my mind... I need at least 42 on 70 to pass this paper. I started to pray... I'm wondering why situations like this get the best behaviour out of me... It was super hot.... I buttoned up my shirt... the war was on....

42 was a big deal... 42 aint easy for how bad the measurements paper was...:


FlaShBack:
My fingers were sweating... I was thirsty and my finger hurt... I was hungry, I was sleepy, I was irritated... I was trying to find one good reason why I fucked the paper up. I looked at the drawing at the back of a question paper... I was getting good at this. Walking out on a prof's paper is the worst mistake you can ever do in your life... If you plan to clear it someday... So I stayed there... and made some productive use of my idle time...

So now, I'm standing in front of her Office with Rahul Sharma... I can hear the class topper inside... he's eating her head for every question... These class toppers are such bastards... they get the highest marks in the class, and as if it were'nt enough... cried and threw tantrums untill they increased them by so many marks... "HELLO!!! a HunDred is the MAX...". Some more noise... The door swings open with a thud on the inside... The topper, and the other non toppers walked outside... She asks me to SIT doWn......... (heartbeat... heartbeat).... Whats my roll no.?

"ic10422 madam..."

"You have very low internals... 8 on 30..."

I can do the math... 42 on 70... 42 on 70...

"Ye-YeASs... madam"

She hands me the paper... I blink... it shook in my hand... and I saw the total... 49... There was god somewhere.... I rushed through the pages, to see if there were some extra marks added somewhere... NO WAY.... 49... I stopped checking.... a D baby.... I returned her the answer sheet, and flashed a smile...

"So... any corrections...??"

"No, madam... everything is fine... thank you."

I walked towards the door and opened it... wanting to run for joy... She called out in the background just before I left...

"49... you did well....(pause).... this time..."

The smile evaporated from my face.

--
Ajwad

InduStRYal InSTruMentation.... aw HeCk.... the NX6125!!! YEhehEAsssS

I havent done a word... not a word; I guess I'm just too relaxed. Its the last paper for this semester. I'm happy. Its been two years in this god forsaken place, and its really hard to imagine how I survived here for so long. I'm surprised at myself... Half way through. All I can think about is home now. Want to get back... and get back quick... sleep a lot and eat 'normal' food. I think this place pressures you enough to start appreciating 'normalness'... which is a good thing. I'm pretty sure I havent studied anything of significance in the past two years that I've spent here... but you definetely learn life and understand people better. I think its just about living with so many different people that does the trick. At some point you are able to predict... which could be dangerous sometimes, if your'e getting carried away by it, but its a nice trick to have up your sleeve... this mental edge... this look you give people that says... "I know what you thinkin..."

I dont want to study... its an easy paper... but then again... if I dont prepare at all... theres no difference how easy the subject is. Just stopped thinking about it now... 'blank'....'blank'.... Ahmer just told me about the NX6125... They're getting it fer me as I write... The amd64 powered machine... its gonna burn baby... quite literally... supposedly you cant use this machine for long hours because it heats up... but then again... I'm so not going to miss out on the kick ass processor... its 64b fer gawds sake!!! My other choice is the Acer travelmate 4400 series... dont know which is better... heck, I dont care... Im finally going to be on a machine of my OWN!!!! Hmm... now that was satisfying... Now the underlying truth of it all... I'm really bored... Just wanted to express it in words.... ladEr den...

Aj

Subtle DisturbanCes - Ch. 01

"It wasn't raining that day,
The sun was strutting its stuff;
And just before it lost again,
It dramatised its might, still,
In plan of tomorrow."

While the usual clockwork of the entire universe, intensly manhandled as may be, was repeating itself somewhere in the time frame of the winter of 2004, I was sitting back in the iway... I was music starved. It was when we had nothing but AIR(Yes... that is All India Radio) FM Rainbow to keep us content. The power of the information superhighway... Voila! I was already thinking about home... checking out a lot of junk on the internet and chatting with random people. I noticed a very cranky nickname... .I'd heard this chicks name... Hell... we had a history... she had once tried to get me beat up...:P... I said 'Hi'...


She called up again today... She can be really stupid sometimes. And she realises it... I know it... I know it... but she would never tell me she was wrong... it's not about pride... its about who got to kick whose ass... She never gives up on a fight... But she's cute... after all these days, she's still stuck with me... that shows ya something. She fights the life out of herself and asks me to hold on to the phone while she goes to sleep. Cute. I'm trying hard to wipe this stupid smile off my face. She's really dismissive of me... just on the outside... its something she picked up from the very first conversations we had.


'I'm too bored....', she declared, 'and its cheaper to call you than call lovergirl...', and I was thinking... lovergirl... thats what you call a friend... a best friend... I was thinking a lot more than friendship and healthy relationships, and it was pretty funny, untill she came out with her novel plan of turning lesbian. Turning lesbian? Now I've seen it all. Its like this woman hated men so much, she just decided to hook up with a woman who looked like one (No... really... Natzi u lUk hot). So I'm happy... and I'm thinking... Hey... if she's calling me and not her best friend... I got a fighting chance.....


We keep fighting.... trust me... we fight over anything and everything humans ever made a word for... We had those cartoon fights... Most of them had an elaborate script which ended with the following exhange of dialogue:
"Did too..."
"Did not..."
"Yes you did..."
"No I didn't..."
"Yes..."
"No..."
It never stopped there, we both tried forward, reverse and every other psychology possible to get the other to accept defeat, and I in vain... most of the time, had to... not because I had well and truly been beaten... No!, it was much simpler... It was sexier if she won, she definitely came out cuter... and more desirable... I let her have her way... pin me against the wall... and make me pay for my mistakes. It was'nt amazing... but it was with its perks... everytime I lost my temper... she never said a word... My point got accross when it had to... well, not exactly when it had to... but definetely I had enough of something... We did'nt exactly balance each other... we cancelled each other out... Two negatives make a positive...?....

ConfuSion: Too mAny Nerve ImpulSes raCing thrOUgh my Head....!!!

"Now I'm thinking, who has a bigger ego, than to market their blog so obnoxiously... than me. No... really... I have nothing to write about... See, im trying this new experiment wherein I write some nonsense, and see what comes out. Im not thinking.... its pretty strange, writing this continous strain of thought im trying to interpret. Come to think of it, I'm having to concentrate pretty hard... wierd this, thinking about nothing, because, see the thing is.. when im trying to focus on what I'm thinking... I'm really not thinking, am I? Having completed that one sentence, Im think im producing some utter nonsense... garbage even... but if I say so myself, it tends to work in some odd way... coherence being beaten into my work... Im just trying to make some sense through it... somehow..."

The minds enless capabilities to come out with collosal amounts of nonsense, is constantly fuelled by this constant state of information overload, as a result of being connected. My take on it: Sometimes it gets so annoying, you want to get away from it all... from the noise they call life. I'm thinking in so many directions, I dont know what i'm thinking. Bottomline: Sometimes I like the volume down... wayyy down. When was the last time your silence was'nt perverted by the sound of someone in a hurry to go to work, or a car speeding by? How many morning have been made gaudy by the still on street lamps? How far is the traffic signal from your house? When was the last time you ever had a walk.... just a walk? When was the last time life was simple?

Today is complicated... there are too many rules... there are too many confines, a lot to learn but little to think. Subject yourself, or stop existing, not much choice be that. But I'm learning to live... I can already handle the not thinking part... I've started to be... just be. Maybe this is just me trying to escape... a subtle attempt at coming to terms with an issue, or maybe Im just tired and need a break... I'm not sure though... its getting all too suspicious to shrug off... I think every once in a while... we all need a dreamless sleep. Helps the brain switch off... Yes... I like listening to the silence... thats me...

Ajwad

The requested URL could not be retrieved: Live FroM the BattLefroNt - II

I can't believe this is happening to me. The Signals syllabus is almost unreadable... how do you read numbers? The server holding a more readable version of the syllabus is down. Its not just another copy of the curricullum... its the holy grail of Signals and systems... its supposed to be the sheet of paper I need to have in my hand, if I'm supposed to get the damn BIC405 out of the way... But right now, it looks like its not to be... Slowly, but surely, I'm losing interest... random web pages... no signals... no signals... wtf??? So I'm now tired of looking. Plan B: Wait for a geek to get the copy, and XEROX baby... I'm thinking how I did'nt think of it before. So with that out of the way ... I think I'll waste a little more time... dance to another song, until the rising sun takes away my music... another NiGhT_oUT; this one concept I swear by... it always works, and even if it does, everyone thinks you tried... so thats saving face for you... Another day .... "Shock & Awe" on the upswing... 6 days... 6 subjects... can you believe I'm still stuck with diodes??? Ima Diee....

Aj

Live frOm the BaTtleFroNT.....

Ok ... so heres the deal... According to mision plan, I have a possible of 14 hours of work everyday, if I can hope... just hope to clear all my exams without hoping the earth swallows me up, in which case, I'll be pretty sure im flunking in a few subjects. GoD foRbid.... The mess had some yellow stuff that they called "Khichdi"... trust me, it was a lame attempt at trying to confuse us into thinking... that the goo on out plates was actually edible; trust me... I even had a bite (actually... it was too soggy to bite, but I have to make do with my limited vocabulary)... I tried hard... but I couldnt, just couldnt gulp it down. I should have rushed my way to the snacky directly, like other, smartER people. So now, I was hungry, and the unit on diodes has about a hundred million more pages left... Im running out of time. Sometimes I wonder if I do it just because I like the pressure... knowing me, quite possibly. So now theres this "Shock and Awe" thing going on with 6 subjects, 7 days, and me... all out in the open. Bottomline: Im hungry, I havent done much, but I'm not giving up right yet.... Microelectronic Circuits... wTf??? I will SuRvive===>

SabBatiCal.....

The 15th of May ... (I dont know why I'm hung up with dates of late .... but yea.... the 15th of May), last year... I remember standing behind a dumpster, waiting for my bastard brother to get loose of his chemistry tuitions... it was supposed to be a surprise... I had landed that afternoon... after finishing a rather tiring Michael Crichton... Airframe, was it?... trust me the flight was that uninteresting... do I really need to tell anyone how 'sexy' the Indian Airlines 'babes' were? That night, as I gorged my way through a huge dinner mom conjured up, I subtracted one more day from my vacations.... a month flew by and my vacation was over .... and now a year. The next time I'm going to be home is drawing closer... its very close... im subtracting dates between then and now, and as I do that... I look back at the one year I've spent without the sound of random cars trying to speed their way through Ghusais... Watching the thursday movie... or just eating mum's Daal Chawal... I'm almost there... and I'm thinking... I must be fixated with subtraction..............

Aj

WaRsoNG..... ItS COmInnnnn.....

As I finally sit down with a certain sense of relief at the end of my pracs, I feel uneasy; the lull before the storm... the wait is getting longer and the hours, drawing closer. I was hoping somehow the 17th of April never comes and I never have to work on deadlines... life could still be sleeping late and eating seminormal meals... BUT NO!... every once in a while... just when you think everythings normal .... theres another April the 17th.... its gonna last a month ... but while it lasts ... its gonna be a real rough ride ... 'Im game... or am I?'... I shudder to think ....

Aj

Dass me in Da CornEr ... Dass ME in Da SpoTLITe...

Losin mah Religion .... hehe ... This Is me ... the face beihnd flawedconception... Tanx fer Readin Mah Blog... Really appreciate the support .... thanKxxx a lot ...
Ajwad

24 hRs ... N StIll coUntIn .... (M3eTin ... LiFe ... MidWaY... III)

I dunno how im keeping myself awake, its taking the life outa me to complete my course for this FKkEd up t3St that I got LesS thAn a Day FrUm nW.... Oh Man I'm TiRd... I need to smoKe ... its been about time since my last cigarette... no ... I'm not keeping track... Damn!... All I wanna do is lie down and play dead for some time .... and not be bothered with whats going on .... its tough now to dream of an existence where there isnt pressure that is put on to you to come up to standards set by nobody for everybody... its tiring to see that there are mindless kids everywhere around me that do the same thing and im one of them even if I dont want to be... I think im gonna give up .... but not yet.... Ne3d To smoke...

Aj

d3Ad EnD.....(Me3tIn LIFe MidwaY-II)

I open my eyes, I can't see, Im locked, I can't move,
My arms are locked from their sides, the very faint texture of wood,
Grazing my arms and I...

I suddenly realise to a horror, Awake, being dead,
And yet alive, in panic, I begin clawing, my lungs burning,
For any little ounce of air, I'm desperate now to get out,
Its numbing me now, the pain engulfing me, I can't see,
Can't breathe, Can't feel, But consummate pain;
I stop struggling, lay silent, unmoving and now, its suddenly peaceful;

I dont want to breathe anymore, more content not feeling,
The world around me, the planet feeling surreal, different,
Abstract, I feel detached from myself, Still,
Unable to feel, not wanting to;

Im floating in this void, coming down to a place,
Like where, when I was alive,
In the distance, I walk down main street, I see,
My home accross the street, everything the same, No!, not quite...

Is it me, I can hear voices in the distance,
See no one, I'm confused, walking along main street...
By the bend I see him, no mistaking the presence, the face of death,
To whom I walk now, with a question escaping me, "Where? Where am I?",

"You're living hell, as you have created for yourself...",
Images of my life flashed before me-,
Times I lied, hated, stole, killed, walked away, indifferent...
Innocent? Unscathed? not quite....
It felt unfair, but then again, with a promise of death,
We shall all "live" one day;

I wearily tread main street, now back to my place,
Across the street - hearing those voices again,
A smirk.... "Welcome home..."

Aj

MeEtInG L1fe... MidwAy.... [DUdE!!!]

HeY

Idyut ... im right here .... man ... im so sorry .... been kinda wound up ...

College is goin along pretty ok ... not great ... not bad ... my grades are falling ... n Im not even interested ... somehow being a tech person aint a good idea ... im find myself studying management and marketin subjects... its that bad ... im quite disinterested in what theyre teaching us right now ... Yea ... the curicullum is good ... I guess ... I dont have drive to speak of.

im having a bit of a rough time man ... I dont know ... depression? ... maybe ... but sometimes i think like its too much to handle... trust me ... i dont like being around people sometimes... its like I dont want to hear anyones voice ... not even mine .... Maybe its because I havent gone home for the past one year ... seriously man ... stuck in a place like this is the last thing you want to be happening to anyone. Having said that ... its not without its perks ... I've made good friends ... yea and they're good people ... but... sometime it gets a bit too close for comfort.....

Dont know ... Im as confused as ever... no chick scene ... im pretty tired of it right now ... Gawd ... whats wrong with me???... I bet you have no clue why or what is wrong with me ... trust me ... niether do I ... Im just really bored with life ... and some how too lazy to study or do anything worthwile ... and its hitting me ... having to go into class and not knowing ANYTHING .... man .. seriously ... such things never happened at ALL... I think I need inspiration ... no ... motivation ... no ... I dont know ... :P; Its one of those problems tha you have the solution for ... but u just too lazy to apply it .... LAZY.... fuck .... I have got to start to do something about it ... I think Laziness is a mental condition .... Do i need to see a shrink??? No clue as hell...

Been listening to a lot of crazy stuff ... I have no idea why Engineering students listen to so much rock ... its like a bond ... Every engineerin student loves metal ... heavy metal ... rock ... [abrasivematerial]+music... it baffles me ... it makes me respect it ... theres culture somewhere in India... There are crazy people around here man ... sitting here, I can point to 20 different people who think differently... its not new ... but now, its showing, and Im not being judgmental...

Now that I think of it, im pretty sure I have no clue how i started off this letter... theres too much going on in my head ... i like the exercise ... but its too tiring for my liking ... I need some peace ... I need a vacation.

Dont worry ... by the time you finally make sense of this ... I'll have written to you again .... tell me ... whattup Wid u ... n I mean a LooNg lEtter....

ciAo

Aj

LiGhT... DaIniK JaAgRaN

Afzal woke up with a start... it was already about five in the morning... it was late. He washed his face, grabbed a torn bag and rushed out, running... he did'nt want to miss the delivery... missing the delivery meant no dinner.

"Afzal ... kahan bhaaga jaa raha hai? Abey sun to !".

Some one called out to him. Between a pant, Afzal turned around and saw Sikander. Sikander covered the opposite road. They went to work together. He was Afzals best friend.

"Abey saale... delivery miss ho gayi to maare gaye... I have mouths to feed."
"Arey yaar... theek hai... Hop on... Aaj maamu ki cycle mil gayi..."

'Maamu ki cycle' was their mercedes... Sikander's ancient uncle gave him this cycle every once in a while when he needed groceries from the big market, which was close to the Paperwala office. In about ten minutes, they were there. It was a huge rush already. It had to start early, because the paper had to come with the morning coffee...

"They can't go to the loo without us", Sikander joked. Both squeezed themselves in between a hundred other Afzals and Sikanders and got hold of their daily quota. They rushed to Dalal street. Afzal sat his corner, and with a practiced pitch began selling everything he had .... India just lost a match he thought... 'aaj ka dhanda acha hoga'. He began calculating how much he would save on food, and how much he would give to Sikander's uncle. It was just fifty rupees, give or take. 'Today' he thought .... 'I shall finish off with these and then go get MID-DAY'. It was sensationalism... it was a tabloid... but for Afzal, it was just food. if he managed to sell off MID-DAY, he could notch a few more rupees. Maybe tonight they would eat well. Like a hundred other newspaper walahs around the city... a few more meant another meal. It was hard work, but there wasnt any other choice... Aamir Khans wedding was an occasion, for more than one reason.

"Anwar ki padhai kaisi chal rahi hai be?". Sikander had this lousy habit of asking the wrong questions at the right time. A rather thoughtful Afzal started talking about his younger brother..."Sarkaari school mein hai ... is liye padh raha hai... magar acha padhta hai ... ek din ...", he stopped midway. He imagined his father mouthing the same words, and then tried to read the headlines to THE TIMES. He gave up. Like he gave up then.

"Garmi bahut hai..", he tried. It worked. And this day across Dalal street was scorching hot. People rushing about their business, like there was no tomorrow. As he sat, he saw hundreds of sahabs rushing back and forth, buying selling, and making money... he did'nt care... as long as they bought a paper. The day passed itself by. The crowd across the street first thickened then thinned and then was just a trickle. Afzal had sold everything. Everything but one copy of the times. For Anwar. "Its good for him, he's preparing for his tenth grade exams... aur kuch humein bhi bata dega.... tu bol yaar... kya chal raha hai". The conversation continued, and the men made way to their homes. Sikander stopped midway.

"Chal dost, hum nikalte hain apni gali". He motioned towards a cheap beer bar.
"Arey yaar... you have to quit... become repsonsible and do something with your life, drinking will get you nowhere", Afzal said.
"Responsible?? Maamu ki cycle rakh... kal waapas dena"

Afzal rode the cycle at a snails pace back home.... There was no light.... Amma was asleep. Let her rest, he thought, as he washed his feet. "Oye Anwar..... Khaana laa yaar... im so tired. You went to school today?". Anwar, who was playing outside ran in and started washing the thaali. "Gaya bhaiya... I go to school everyday.... Aaj ka paper?". As Afzal sat down to eat he pointed at his torn bag. "Haan beta... tell me whats happening around the world". He liked this part of the day the most.

Anwar had the light of the world when he read out the paper to his brother. The light of the many dreams that Afzal saw for him."Leave the whole world bhaiyya... right now its about India... Likha hai ... aaj the stock market crossed TEN THOUSAND POINTS.... India is growing bhaiya... pretty soon... we'll beat those white men...."

Afzal finished off the rice and washed his hands. He felt cheated. He felt helpless. He lay down, and as Anwar began pressing his legs, he smiled. A tired Afzal went to sleep, thinking about another busy day tomorrow. Business as usual at Dalal street. "Desh tarakki kar raha hai(The country is progressing), he said aloud, and laughed to himself.

It started to pour.

JuNe anD WinTer

I don't like mornings. Really. They're strange, and I don't know them much. I haven't been around too many mornings to like them. Days should just begin in the afternoon, the suns up and its a sign - Its bright enough to go out and do your thing. Mornings are cold- even in the summer. It makes me think if they're Indian. I hate the predictability in life. That's why I hate mornings, why mornings should be hated.
Mornings are like a restriction, a rule, a pattern, a method. Mornings are a beginning to routine, and consequently to monotony, giving rise to boredom. What is adventure when you know where you will be at 4 in the evening, when you can look at your watch and count the minutes to dinner, when you sigh and tell yourself "Time for bed". Why does everything have to work like clockwork.
As of last Thursday, my question remains unanswered. Does anyone really live life on their own terms what with them being bound by the confines of the morning and bed time? Is 9 to 5 really the definition of a Monday? Am I really confused if im wondering why people dont crave ice-cream in winter? Why is every strain of thought governed by this definition of harmony brought upon by a thousand years of tradition? Why have we bound ourselves between a set of rules that limit our potential, let alone help us achieve anything at all? I don't hate mornings anymore. I just sleep through them.