Somehow, no matter who it was... I could never get into the specifics.
Whats going on? How am I, really? I don't know. I have no clue. Its strange why I dont.
'Ajwad... you don't seem like you have any friends.' Maybe I do. Maybe. But its hard letting people in. Where do I start? What do I say. There are things that don't begin with Once upon a time... Maybe I don't have friends. Maybe I don't know how to connect with people. Wait... I'm sensing something wrong here.
All my life... I have got by, by just having to tell people just what they want to hear. Exactly what I must say in a particular situation... somehow, out of an obsession to please everyone.... this I inherit from my father. He's managed quite well, apart from unfortunate eventualities. And this is not something thats been happening for a few days. More like years. Many years.
'You just change masks, one from the next, you don't even know who you are, you bastard...'
(The above text has been mellowed down so it can be suitable for all audiences)
I know it sounds dramatic, but maybe you don't know about my previous relationship. Besides that. She's right. I don't. Or maybe I'm just depressed, and I need a reason, and this seems as good a reason as any. Maybe. Theres too much confusion. But she does have a point. After so many years of impersonating god knows who, when you finally realize it has to stop because its not very healthy... you have nothing to fall back to. You hit a void.
Then you suddenly understand, that all your morals, ideals, feelings, convictions, are of somebody else... somebody, who isn't even real. Maybe its just called questioning your existence.
Maybe its called growing up. Into what? As opposed to what?
When it finally strikes you after a long period of denial, theres a lot of helplessness. What do you do, when everything just falls away. And you feel naked. Maybe I was, all the time. Anyone with half a brain could have seen it happening. I'm just the fool, who could, for all the intelligence he claims to have, not understand one simple thing. But thats one thing for sure. It is possible to kill oneself and not realize it.
You are failing at every half baked attempt at redeeming yourself, not in front of anyone else. But you. Gain that much respect. To be able to look into the mirror, and wish there was someone else there... Someone a little, well, maybe, happier...
The struggle builds on. Real life doesn't get any easier. Everything is suffering. I don't know how to handle it. Its like a long ladder. But the first rung is way too high to climb. I don't know where to start. Hell... maybe I don't want to. I'm tired. Of everything....
Right now, I need a shave and a smoke. And a half eaten dinner awaits me. Excuse me... I gotta go live with myself.
God bless.
