Somehow, no matter who it was... I could never get into the specifics.
Whats going on? How am I, really? I don't know. I have no clue. Its strange why I dont.
'Ajwad... you don't seem like you have any friends.' Maybe I do. Maybe. But its hard letting people in. Where do I start? What do I say. There are things that don't begin with Once upon a time... Maybe I don't have friends. Maybe I don't know how to connect with people. Wait... I'm sensing something wrong here.
All my life... I have got by, by just having to tell people just what they want to hear. Exactly what I must say in a particular situation... somehow, out of an obsession to please everyone.... this I inherit from my father. He's managed quite well, apart from unfortunate eventualities. And this is not something thats been happening for a few days. More like years. Many years.
'You just change masks, one from the next, you don't even know who you are, you bastard...'
(The above text has been mellowed down so it can be suitable for all audiences)
I know it sounds dramatic, but maybe you don't know about my previous relationship. Besides that. She's right. I don't. Or maybe I'm just depressed, and I need a reason, and this seems as good a reason as any. Maybe. Theres too much confusion. But she does have a point. After so many years of impersonating god knows who, when you finally realize it has to stop because its not very healthy... you have nothing to fall back to. You hit a void.
Then you suddenly understand, that all your morals, ideals, feelings, convictions, are of somebody else... somebody, who isn't even real. Maybe its just called questioning your existence.
Maybe its called growing up. Into what? As opposed to what?
When it finally strikes you after a long period of denial, theres a lot of helplessness. What do you do, when everything just falls away. And you feel naked. Maybe I was, all the time. Anyone with half a brain could have seen it happening. I'm just the fool, who could, for all the intelligence he claims to have, not understand one simple thing. But thats one thing for sure. It is possible to kill oneself and not realize it.
You are failing at every half baked attempt at redeeming yourself, not in front of anyone else. But you. Gain that much respect. To be able to look into the mirror, and wish there was someone else there... Someone a little, well, maybe, happier...
The struggle builds on. Real life doesn't get any easier. Everything is suffering. I don't know how to handle it. Its like a long ladder. But the first rung is way too high to climb. I don't know where to start. Hell... maybe I don't want to. I'm tired. Of everything....
Right now, I need a shave and a smoke. And a half eaten dinner awaits me. Excuse me... I gotta go live with myself.
God bless.
8 comments:
really nice entry..
I knw the feeling..
Immortalisation
He looked on as the sun set. The same image that backdropped innumerable memories. His gaze wandered around the three walled shack. This was their favorite place. Isolated, and overlooking most of the world they knew. They would wait until the sun set, and then climb back down to the city. The orange light was slowly fading away. He couldn't remember the last time they had decided to meet here this late. There would definitely be something important she wanted to say.
He looked back at the sun. It was seconds away from sinking below the horizon. He reached his hand out, as if to catch it. To hold it there until she comes, just so she can watch it, even if it would be for the thousandth time. He noticed it was drizzling. It felt like a cool layer of morning dew forming over his hand. He waited in daydream, until the stars began to appear in the sky, along with the city lights below.
Just when he began to wonder if he should worry about her, she walked up to the door. Greetings that could not be said in words were exchanged as she waited there. He could tell from when he first saw her that something was different. Her face seemed naked without the smile that he was used to seeing. And as most other things, it was more beautiful that way.
He stood up, and broke the silence, without ever breaking eye contact.
"What took you so long?"
"Long story."
Anxious, though he was, he would have to wait for her to tell him her way.
She walked up to him and said, "It's not what you think."
"You're so sure you know what I think?"
"Maybe I don't. But I'm sure I know the things you won't think, and this is one of them."
She turned toward the window, and said "I like the night better, don't you? It brings out our true characters. We can be just who we want to be, and there's no one around to bother us. Night is for those who are different, and some of those who want to be." He didn't say anything, knowing that she would then get to the point faster.
She turned to face him again. And then she kissed him. And even that was different. So different that he couldn't even begin to identify what was different about it. It wasn't warm; it reminded him of the drizzle outside. Like cool morning dew. He could still unmistakably identify her though, and that was definitely a good thing.
"You love me." He was tempted to answer, but he knew it wasn't a question.
"We swore that we'll stay together, whatever it takes. But I'm not gonna hold you to that.” she continued. He opened his mouth, but she didn't give him enough time to realise that he hadn't found words yet. "My life changed completely yesterday. More than I could ever imagine. And now, you're going to have to make a choice. If you chose to stay with me, you'll have to let go of everything else you have, and everything you know. We'll have to leave this place, leave everyone you know behind. Leave behind your life, your dreams, your whole world. And you will most probably also end up leaving behind who you are.
"So, you can leave yourself, or ..." He had already completed the sentence. "I'm not leaving you. I'd like to stick to every promise I made. I meant all that I said. I'm prepared to let go of everything you need me to, as long as I understand the reasons why I must." She moved closer, and said almost in his ear, "And that, I promise, you will." ending in just a whisper.
She kissed him again. This time, he couldn't even identify her. As he was trying to figure out how she changed so suddenly, who she was now, and where she might want him to go, she moved down to his neck, and bit so hard that he gasped and opened his eyes. He tried to jerk himself away, but her grip was too strong. He noticed how fast he was breathing, and then suddenly noticed that she wasn't breathing at all. He made sense of it now, the choice he had just made. His heart was racing, but he knew hers wouldn't be beating at all. Now that he knew what she was doing, he could feel the life being sucked out of him.
The world around him slowly faded away, until all he could see was black. Had life already left him? He must have thought out loud, because he heard her say: "Life will leave, but death won't come."
He couldn't move, and he couldn't see, but he could still hear her, and he could still talk in whispers. "You lied to me.", he said.
"Did I?"
"You said I would understand....."
"And you will. Besides, if I had told you everything, you still wouldn't have chosen any differently."
"What makes ... you so sure?"
"Because the only other option you had..." She moved closer to finish the sentence. "..was death."
He was suddenly afraid. Afraid of her, of the world, of being so helpless right now. But fear too, was fading away along with his consciousness.
"How do you know I wouldn't have chosen to die?" he asked, and he meant it.
"Because you fear death more than anything else. Because you don't believe in heaven." She paused. "And even if you would have chosen death, you won't want to choose it anymore. And if you do, death is always an option. You're only immortal." She was right. He wouldn't choose to die now, if given the choice. Maybe he was already changing. She spoke again: "Trust me. Go to sleep. When you wake up, you won't be thinking about it anymore. You'll look at the whole world differently."
"When will I....." he realized he couldn't talk anymore.
And then she sang him a lullaby.
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so am i ur muse...???
and for the record...my tone implied bastard...but i ladies and gentlemen...never said the word in tht sentence...atleast...
u forgot to mention tht i used to call u horny bastard when we used to coo like pigeons mating...now u can definitly quote me there...and im hoping tht u only get arnd to quoting me...and i do have a name u knw...
oops sry i forgot this is abt u...
LOVED the painting...eid mubarak could have grown up to have ur talent and my eccentricities...but noooo u have denied the world an artist...
and id prefer it if u stop going for shrink sessions with her...
im still here...for now...
the entry was u at ur honest best...not trying hard to impress ...but u managed it anyhow...
relax babe its just an identity crisis...if not...try cipralex...knocked me off my feet...
nice entry :)
"But thats one thing for sure. It is possible to kill oneself and not realize it."
very pretty...tho i have to add there is more than one way to kill urself...while trying to find salvation with someone else...the worst bit...is when u realise it n yet ur drawn to ur pathetic deeds like a moth to the flame...
u shud knw...
dear lord i have got to stop getting all melodramatic...
damn bro...u've got me thinkin...the feelings...the realisations hv been there all the while...they touch n go...every now n then.
there cudnt hv been a better way to put 'em down...amazing...thought-provokin stuff...
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